| these dreams.... |
[03 May 2004|03:19pm] |
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mood |
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 hot |
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music |
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baby now that i found you,i cant let you go? by??? |
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im sending this from the appple store on colorado blvd.
this is from an e-mac that sells for 800 bucks.
its really amazing!!.
i realy want one. oh well, we'll see whatt the future brings.
mouse... out.
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| everyday.... |
[21 Apr 2004|07:13am] |
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mood |
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 awake |
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music |
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hum of refrigerator |
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7:10 am and im up for a change. ive been taking some sleep meds.for about a week now and i guess theyve reached a level where theyre no longer effective. i could go up in dosage, but wont.tonight i'll cut them out altogether since they tend to make me sluggish during the day. mailed off recommendation from prof. oventile yesterday so that looks good, impressive on paper anyway.am lookking forward to moving out later this week. it's gonna be ok, i think.
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| the unbearable lightness of being.... |
[17 Apr 2004|12:07pm] |
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mood |
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 blank |
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music |
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nun |
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feel almost ok after harrowing night of nightmare fever dreams and sweats getting up to drink juice in light of greyish cold dawn rainy saturdaysleeping again after half a cup of coffee for an hour and finally awaking again feeeling weak but fairly composed. dont know wwhat ill do abot math test on tues.,lkely i'llhave to repeat this course during the summer. will have to concentrate on two classes where i am capabable of getting an A in both. man i love school but the decision making process and prioritizing is hell for me. time wiill tell. going to urban outfitter today to buy a"555 soul" bag which they are blowing out on last markdown for15bucks.stefwill have an opinion on this but i dont wannna hear it. ha--ha my endless search for theultimate school bag.
mouse out.
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| silence like a cancer grows.... |
[16 Apr 2004|10:32am] |
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mood |
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 sick |
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music |
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chanting of nam myoho renge kyo in background |
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hallo....sickly today as cold has rebounded upon stopping antibiotics too soon i guess. schoolwork all day. much to do.
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| i am on a lonely road and i am travelin travelin travelin travelin.... |
[15 Apr 2004|01:14pm] |
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mood |
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 amused |
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music |
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sonic youth "bull in the heather" ( over and over) |
] |
today i must go and see my therapist and visit that hotbed
of armenian culture,glendale,ca. then i gotta go to IKEA and return a lamp,i need the 40bucks more,besides it has glue spots onthe shade. maybe IKEA is slipping.
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| you know what???..that's what!!!. |
[14 Apr 2004|07:36pm] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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music |
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peep...peeep...peep....peep....peep...peep...peep |
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you know what?. i take back all that bullshit i said about AA,
i really do. i'm lucky to be still above ground after all the shit i've been through. i mean,...i was such an idiot. what was wrong with me?.
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| ok..ok..enough already |
[14 Apr 2004|06:08pm] |
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mood |
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 lazy |
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music |
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absolute silence punctuated by clicking of keyboards |
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i really gotta go study. i mean i hafta putmy foot down.but everyone i talk to from school hasn't done shit either.
i guess it's a common problem.---------mouse
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| live through this for me...and i swear.... that i would die for you |
[14 Apr 2004|09:55am] |
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mood |
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awake |
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music |
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dave matthews "everyday" |
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posted something on a russian site last night and actually gotsome replies,which was really cool. it was kind of a political rant on my part. sort of feel like i have a small right to some small opinion on this whole iraq bizness,im a veteran and all. i actually hold an honorable discharge and an army achievement medal for "exceptional professional competence"(which is hilarious!) and i still dont condone the u.s. presence in iraq.the whole thing is amess that is rapidly escalating into a larger mess.even the rhetoric the white house is generating sounds alot like the stuff we heard during the vietnam conflict,which i was sort of too young to remember,but i do remember the daily body counts of u.s. dead on the news,just like now.holy shit,what is going on? it is too weird.
enough of that.
other than that, today begins my efforts at earnest study to get all going for school.i have a major math test and an english paper due. paper is NO problem as i can blast that out in one or two nights but the mathis kinda heavy and involves real study.about6 chapters to digest and get to know plus some homework i havent done. worse comes to worst i can repeat the class during summer but i was hoping to do some other stuff academically that might be more fun.
my head is weird today.this don francisco french roast isn't helping either,but i love coffee so much. my teeth are sort of brown,probably permanently. who cares?, i'm not a fucking TV star.i'm going to try to post a picture of me, but ive noticed that it tends to stretch horizontally forsome strange reason.ill do it anyway.
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| this just in.... |
[13 Apr 2004|06:14pm] |
two posts in one day. this could become compulsive ifi dont watch out.am in rthe main pas. library using what is probably a T1 line at least, which booms along nicely.got some weird news today after finally getting through to sacramento after trying on and off for days now. the guy on thee phone was a real dick like he had to personally punish me while he informed me of just wherre i stood in regards to my driving priveleges. looks like i wont be driving for another nine months unless i want to have an ignition interlock installed on the car for 600dollars plus another 60dollars a month for maintenance.. no chance of that, i'll sit it out.
this guy on the phone was a real babooon. no wonder he works for the DMV. i do understand though, that under worse circumstances i could have gotten intto an accident and killed someone but as it is, i was just so fucked up that when they pulled me over(june 2002) they told me they had been following me for miles without me noticing. i was driving this huge 1972 mercedes 4door that i had bought for cheap and listening to "gus" really loud. (car had a great stereo) so they charged me with DUI and of course i refused to cooperate and refused blood test as well(high on H too!)and they still let me out the next morning. i let them keep the car,couldnt afford to get it out. turns out they charged me with evading arrest too,along with the DUI. i guess they were mmad about the refusal. i remember they(the cops) were kind of pissed that i didnt want to do the whole "field sobriety" test,like they were going to get their jollies off of watching me almost fall over while they made very curt cop sounding like remarks to each other(theyre really really straight annd by the book professional in LA)i think i just said "look guys it's ok, i'm hammered,we can go now". they didnt get to do their cop thing. well to make a long story short, i got my license suspended for 2years flat. 6months residential rehab(which i did) an 18 month DUI education program(i actually enjoy this)and i did 32 days in the famous "twin towers" downtown.with everything, i got 99days but jail is so crowded here that DUI's arent shit when you got crips and bloods who've done multiple drive by killings waiting to get in so they let you out early. at one point i was looking at a fucking year(flat) but i waited out the thing until it was almost time to go to trial.
it was strange, i had NEVER beeen in trouble wth the law before and here i was in a level 4 lockdown which is a real serious type of jail setup.there were some really scary people in there but i did ok. the whole rape bullshit wasn't happening there. if you were gay you went to another area.
i did see one really amazing fight where this huge muscle-yguy
that was covered with tatoos got into it with two other dudes and beat their asses. all this while being bare ass naked(im not sure why, it happened really fast)but he was out of ther and into "the hole"really fast, in minutes actually.
man i had never seen any shit like this, i went to prep school in philadelphia for crissake, it was amazing, like a sort of fassbinder jean genet nightmare with bizarre george orwellian twist maybe some gunter grass tin drum circus freak undertones. i just read my ass off the whole time, and ate.
my friend harry said i looked fat and pale when he picked me up. i guess jail is soort of a reverse santa barbara -ojai health farm vacation except some of your fellow vacationers have facial tatoos, which ws another trip all by itself.
you know what,....i learned my fucking lesson IF that was the object of the exercise. i knoww it sounds corny but DONT DRINK AND DRIVE. really man, iknow it's a fact of life here in CA that we all do it because you have to get home right ??
but don't intentionally get into this or get into thinking it'[s ok somehow. really. or else you will have to deal with some major shit like i had to.
on the up side, it IS IS IS a great thing that i really really REALLY REALLY have stopped drinking and taking drugs and it looks llike i might be able to attach the word forever if ....well,you know what they say,...i do it a day at a time.
which is how ive done it for eighteen fucking months now,a personal best,which might not seem like a big deal if ypou dont hhave a problem w/you know but it is...a very big fucking deal. it is, it is, it really really is.
adieu to the ether,mouse
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| home again...homeagain..diggety diig...(obscure blade runner reference) |
[13 Apr 2004|06:59am] |
7 am on the fucking dot almost as the clock has just gone off (ikea 1.49, last week,bought one stole one) stef's clock
has just gne off in hr bedroom which mns i may or mmay not hear the door open in a min. or so. have been up since5;30 happily for a change, and throat and flue symptoms are almost gone w/use of super good must be 5th gen. or so antibiotics that work amazing but still do a number on stomach. made an ass out of myself at AA last night "sharing' thoughts of sentimentality toward pasadena even though i have no fucking friends here. i love many places and buildings, like the fountain athe bottom of fair oaks where it goes uphill into sso.pasadena, god i love that place. i said goodbye to it yesterday,and may yet doit again. have read more astronomy already this morn.(descartes) in the search for origins of math and found yet another part of the missing puzzle, the reason for graphs and axis. i shouldnt cry about leaving pas.
it's not such a big deal, and i'll be back oft to go to school just no evening activities. "any soil is as country to the brave, and the stars are everywhere overhead"---tyco brahe
funny i can quote that shit verbatim like that, it's like my mind knew this change was coming. i may stop going to AA altogether, i'm so fucking tired of trying to like it. i sit there, time after time, hoping to meet someone that would offer me a reason for being there, but they never show. i'm certainly not there for me. i don't know why artistically inclined people , myself included,find mental illness so fascinating and such a rich source of material,i hate the inside of my head and would do anything to make it stop.
i want to become a doctor, there, i fucking said it, it's the first time i have ever written it on paper and probably the maybe 3rd time i've ever verbalized it at all. i don't think i can do it,ireally don't,too old and too tired sick weird,twisted,antisocial,addd any desccriptive adj. you want.
found out last night that my old friend keats died dec.26th of a heartattack,he was 47. his mother has come from missouri and is living in his condo in burbank amid his his giant digi.mix.board and all his rec. shit and inst. and guitars.
she hasn't taken his voice off the phone message, i've called since dec. and left mess ages for a dead man. i spoke to her and she's so stuck, she dosen't know what tto do. i hope that god treats him well, i know he has his hands full with fucking keats. his mom told me he at last had a girl he was serious about. fuck,a poss. chance at a life or a family and pfffft...out you go..snuffed like a candle. may the buddah of a thousand suns warm him as he rests, waiting for his next chance. well, that's enough.
more life....
the great work begins.
(angels in america)
in the fond memory of my friend keats
with some tears, and great respect,
goodbye.
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| let me dream if i want to....let me scream if i want to...let me dream |
[12 Apr 2004|06:13pm] |
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a greaat deal of time and hysteria has passsed in the time that i have been away. i have:completely stopped using drugs and drinking (goodbye heroin!) went to jail for offenses related to drunk driving(32 days)started to get out of bed every day and going to school pretty much full time at PCC here in pasadena, am breaking up with girlfriend of seven yearsthis weekend and moving back to glendale, getting license back in august along with really large chunk ofback owed disability, am reasonably sane, disillusioned w/AA system already, but will do it anyway, it's just not ALL that to me,may be permanently classed disabled,but don't care if yes or noeither is ok,feel sort of alive most of the time.have n't gotten high of any sort for 18months now ewhich is a personal best, am pretty much kicking ass at school,am disillusioned with AA due to the fact that at a core level I really don't feel i want to apologize to anyone for shit,or that i really did a number on anyone. au contraire motherfucker, life has pretty much done a number on me that i'm still reeling from so i'm not exactly dying to confess to weird stuff that happened a million years ago.physical health is excellent in direct opposition to mental status. am reading tons of stuff about proto asronomy and begining to study math, which is really hard but i need the discipline.have longings for friendships which is really new behavior,but still have problems accepting people, always having had books for friends.am enjoying my mountain bike and the strength of my own body, was so used to being sick all the time.want to get stronger,but hate the health club deal.really thin 185 and six three, am cuttting fat out of diet even further to shoot for ripped 175 with poss. physique of rock climber.want to ride distance witha click of guys like i did years ago but a decent bike is so fucking expensive maybe 600doollar variety will do to start.trek makes some decent ones. my friend harry is god for taking me in, i had noplace else to go.can't go home to my sister in new york who is more fucked up than me just hides it better. boy did my dad do a number on her, i wonder if he ...?no, i wont write that.i think i am in danger of living, for the first time in my life.
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| still here.... |
[29 Apr 2002|11:17pm] |
haven't written in awhile.
just havent had the desire but here i am again.
about 40 days sober and doing well.
it's really something to be happy about.
have made a new friend, his name is harry.
we hang out alot.
it's good to know someone that has time
to hang out during the day.
am eatin well and jogging in the mornings.
that is all.
mouse out.
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| still ok...... |
[26 Mar 2002|08:36pm] |
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havent written in awhile.getting sober again.
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| can you believe this shit.... |
[20 Nov 2001|01:17am] |
i'm stuck at work until three thirty in the morning!!!
it seems some student film company has rented the building until then, and it dosent seem tha tthey'll be done anytime sooner.
oh well,at least i can sleep tomorrow.
i guessi shouldnt complain, at least i have a job.
my friend ilene cant find a job at all,and she has a fucking master's degree.
oh well, im off to surf the net!!! does anybody say that anymore???
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| much ado about nothing.... |
[17 Nov 2001|09:20pm] |
just the day to day events here nothing too special...
i dont really have the desire to write alot, so i wont.
trying to figure out somewhere to go for the thanksgiving holiday.
so far, nothing has presented itself.
i really hope someone comes across with an invite.
at this point it seems like its going to be a dismal Thanksgiving.
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| oh well.... |
[13 Nov 2001|06:54pm] |
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LJ dosen't seem to be happening tonight. the server sucks.
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| well, here we go!!! |
[05 Nov 2001|11:33pm] |
i am getting ideas again as the christmas season approaches,
of getting a second job.
first, i've got to getr off of these damn sleeeping pills.
tonight's the first night.
we'll see how it goes after that.
i mean, what the use of sleeping for nine hours AND
being hung over the rest of the day.
i mean really.
also, i read someone else's interesting LJ entries tonight.
i left him a message and we'll see if he replies.
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| saturday night's allright for fightin'''' |
[05 Nov 2001|08:49pm] |
haven't written for awhile.
mostly due to a lack of desire.
i dont really know if anyone out there reads this nnonsense
that i write, it would be nice to know if someone did.
write me back world!!!
am looking forward to getting my bike up and running in the coming weeks. it's been awhile and i think i'll enjoy the old freedom of being able to get around without a heavily planned
schedule.
my doctor agrees that i'm doing well.
i think it's time to kick the sleeping pills habit.
tonight's the first night off of them,hope it goes smoothly.
i keep wondering, why do i want to become a computer programmer
when i suck so badly st typing???
between that and already having carpal tunnel aas a rresult of some earlier jobs i've had, youd'd think i'd be discouraged, but NOOOO!, i have to try something difficult to see if it's all worthwile. time will tell.
other than that i'm battling the usual financial troubles,
what else is new???
aoh well, i'm outta here.
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